I Can Almost See The Light

Someday, I’ll have soft skin. I’ve been saying this since the age of 12. Maybe one day, I won’t hurt myself long enough to be able to love my skin. Every time I deal with beauty compared to everyone else, I panic. I can’t live to anyone’s expectations of me. People think too highly of me, it’s pressure to me. I feel pressured to be perfect, no matter whatever happens to me. I could be going through the toughest time of my life and I’ll still wear makeup. I’ll try to look good for myself and feel better about myself. I like feeling pretty.

I’ve also been in too much trouble for being pretty. No matter what age or time in my life, being pretty caused very harmful things to me. I lived with it all, and I still wear my makeup today like I would every day.

Someday, I’ll walk outside like I used to. I’ll wear my short shorts and my tube tops too. I’ll wear tank tops, and the cutest bikini I can find. Someday, I’ll wear dresses again and I won’t wear tights. I’ll go out wearing a red tank top dress. No one will stop me, I love my body. I love my body, and someday no one will be able to make me scared of it again. Being pretty hurts and someday I won’t let them hurt me anymore.

The scars will fade. I’ll cover them with tattoos. I’ll never let the past touch me again. I am so much stronger. No one has a chance at hurting this pretty girl again.

Relief

Little things make everything better. Little effort makes all the difference. It shows you that someone cares, and that trust doesn’t fall far from that. The simplest things a person does to get your attention, to catch a glimpse of your smile or feel the touch of your skin.

He helps me fall asleep with all the cute words he tells me. I swear every time I hear his favorite songs, my heart skips a beat when it turns on. He touched my hand every once in a while and it’d feel like my body is flustered with butterflies. It’s so corny but it’s true. Those things make all the difference. Copying me, little by little, until I caught him trying to impress me. He understands me and I connect with him. We can tell each other anything, we never judge or feel our boundaries break. He has all my attention and all my affection. I feel relieved.

We are two puzzle pieces ready to fit in. Our whole puzzle is about 300 pieces, because this is as complicated as counting to 3 but worth so much more than millions. He’s worth feeling like this for. I’m barely scared anymore. His face when he thinks I haven’t noticed him staring, it’s stuck in my head. Such gorgeous blue eyes, they just shine through the light and I can’t help but laugh. I feel so happy that I’m forced to laugh with him doing things like this. It feels like when a puppy wants to be pet, they get so adorable it’s impossible to resist. This is corny at it’s best.

I feel so relieved to have found someone like you. Someone who talks to me every day, no matter if we’re in the same room or miles away. You’re someone that makes me so happy, I tried to deny that multiple times. I ruin so many things, I didn’t want this to mean nothing in a few weeks. When you told me you liked me, I could not stop giggling. I am forced to smile because of you, it’s like magic. It’s exciting to see what we’re going to do, and I’m happy I’ve met you.

You have all my attention.

July Shouldn’t Feel Like This

It felt so lonely. Very lonely this month. Every day, I wished I had everyone back that I lost, but I can’t seem to let go of it. I noticed that every time I push them away, it’s not just my fault. I see all their flaws and I escape myself from being trapped by them. They see mine and they never think twice about it. I am overwhelmed with how they can’t seem to understand that I don’t just get better. Everyone thinks that I’ll get better over time, and that the problems I cause will go away. People think they can just ignore my flaws and everything will be okay. No one works on their own flaws and try to understand I have flaws too. I know flaws don’t just disappear over time, and people seem to forget about that.

It’s not that I fall in love with flaws or the reality of our situation, but I seem to ignore them and keep wishing their problems don’t hurt. I always end up being weighed down by their misfortune as they don’t even notice it themselves. Their flaws become mine and I become scared. Why should I have to point them out and make it stop? I learn fast that it’s not what I want, but I fall in so deep with wanting to know people. I take their flaws and I try to understand them. I try to cope with them, and see if everything can work out.

When their misfortune doesn’t mix well with mine, that’s when I escape. Why force two puzzle pieces that don’t fit? Mine can change and twist, I can make it fit for anyone I want. Others never know what they want, and never work on their problems. Then, their puzzle piece will never fit mine. I accept my flaws and I admit I’m not perfect, but people need to realize they aren’t so put together as they seem. They need to change so their puzzle piece fits for who they want to be with. Instead of insisting on finding the sole piece that fits theirs without any effort at all.

I have few moments that make up a great memory. It’s a feeling I have for someone mixed with how I feel over the situation. It’s when you’re at the park with someone you really care about, versus being there with just a friend. The air feels soft and comfortable, you end up thinking “this is my favorite spot”. The scenery is majestic, or it is because you turn it into their favorite spot. You pretty much just gave away your favorite spot and turned it theirs. Either, they come back or not, it’s never yours anymore after that,

Sometimes, those people break your heart and you can’t seem to go back to your favorite spot. It used to be so beautiful but if you went, you’re scared it’ll feel like they’re there with you. The air starts the feel uncomfortable like they’re watching over you. You try your best to forget, but until the air is filled with someone new, your past still follows you. The nostalgic presence of them, all the moments.

This is why I fall in love with people, they change every scenery I indulge in. My quiet space is full of laughter. My favorite spot turns into theirs. They make every view better. They make every day happier. I seem to forget every spot that made me sad, because they walked in them. Once they aren’t in my life anymore, it’s just back to how it was. Empty spots filled with uncomfortable air. The silence causes me to just sit there and think of everyone who’s walked into this spot. Some day, it’ll be someone new, and maybe it will feel less blue again.