Relief

Little things make everything better. Little effort makes all the difference. It shows you that someone cares, and that trust doesn’t fall far from that. The simplest things a person does to get your attention, to catch a glimpse of your smile or feel the touch of your skin.

He helps me fall asleep with all the cute words he tells me. I swear every time I hear his favorite songs, my heart skips a beat when it turns on. He touched my hand every once in a while and it’d feel like my body is flustered with butterflies. It’s so corny but it’s true. Those things make all the difference. Copying me, little by little, until I caught him trying to impress me. He understands me and I connect with him. We can tell each other anything, we never judge or feel our boundaries break. He has all my attention and all my affection. I feel relieved.

We are two puzzle pieces ready to fit in. Our whole puzzle is about 300 pieces, because this is as complicated as counting to 3 but worth so much more than millions. He’s worth feeling like this for. I’m barely scared anymore. His face when he thinks I haven’t noticed him staring, it’s stuck in my head. Such gorgeous blue eyes, they just shine through the light and I can’t help but laugh. I feel so happy that I’m forced to laugh with him doing things like this. It feels like when a puppy wants to be pet, they get so adorable it’s impossible to resist. This is corny at it’s best.

I feel so relieved to have found someone like you. Someone who talks to me every day, no matter if we’re in the same room or miles away. You’re someone that makes me so happy, I tried to deny that multiple times. I ruin so many things, I didn’t want this to mean nothing in a few weeks. When you told me you liked me, I could not stop giggling. I am forced to smile because of you, it’s like magic. It’s exciting to see what we’re going to do, and I’m happy I’ve met you.

You have all my attention.

July Shouldn’t Feel Like This

It felt so lonely. Very lonely this month. Every day, I wished I had everyone back that I lost, but I can’t seem to let go of it. I noticed that every time I push them away, it’s not just my fault. I see all their flaws and I escape myself from being trapped by them. They see mine and they never think twice about it. I am overwhelmed with how they can’t seem to understand that I don’t just get better. Everyone thinks that I’ll get better over time, and that the problems I cause will go away. People think they can just ignore my flaws and everything will be okay. No one works on their own flaws and try to understand I have flaws too. I know flaws don’t just disappear over time, and people seem to forget about that.

It’s not that I fall in love with flaws or the reality of our situation, but I seem to ignore them and keep wishing their problems don’t hurt. I always end up being weighed down by their misfortune as they don’t even notice it themselves. Their flaws become mine and I become scared. Why should I have to point them out and make it stop? I learn fast that it’s not what I want, but I fall in so deep with wanting to know people. I take their flaws and I try to understand them. I try to cope with them, and see if everything can work out.

When their misfortune doesn’t mix well with mine, that’s when I escape. Why force two puzzle pieces that don’t fit? Mine can change and twist, I can make it fit for anyone I want. Others never know what they want, and never work on their problems. Then, their puzzle piece will never fit mine. I accept my flaws and I admit I’m not perfect, but people need to realize they aren’t so put together as they seem. They need to change so their puzzle piece fits for who they want to be with. Instead of insisting on finding the sole piece that fits theirs without any effort at all.

I have few moments that make up a great memory. It’s a feeling I have for someone mixed with how I feel over the situation. It’s when you’re at the park with someone you really care about, versus being there with just a friend. The air feels soft and comfortable, you end up thinking “this is my favorite spot”. The scenery is majestic, or it is because you turn it into their favorite spot. You pretty much just gave away your favorite spot and turned it theirs. Either, they come back or not, it’s never yours anymore after that,

Sometimes, those people break your heart and you can’t seem to go back to your favorite spot. It used to be so beautiful but if you went, you’re scared it’ll feel like they’re there with you. The air starts the feel uncomfortable like they’re watching over you. You try your best to forget, but until the air is filled with someone new, your past still follows you. The nostalgic presence of them, all the moments.

This is why I fall in love with people, they change every scenery I indulge in. My quiet space is full of laughter. My favorite spot turns into theirs. They make every view better. They make every day happier. I seem to forget every spot that made me sad, because they walked in them. Once they aren’t in my life anymore, it’s just back to how it was. Empty spots filled with uncomfortable air. The silence causes me to just sit there and think of everyone who’s walked into this spot. Some day, it’ll be someone new, and maybe it will feel less blue again.

The Happy One

People relax me. Life relaxes me. I feel calm in a coffee shop and excited in the dark. I like being under the covers with one sole person. I feel in control whenever I can tell myself that my mind doesn’t own my life. I get anxiety, so I go get a drink at a coffee shop. Sure, caffeine doesn’t help but it actually just gives me energy and I get all my things done during my day. 

Especially when I have to exercise so much now to keep up with my chores. Doing laundry is the hardest thing for me, next to groceries. Lifting is close to impossible. Exercise is the only thing that’s keeping me alive. It’s also the only thing that’s motivating me to live. Without it, I can barely do anything around the house. I get depressed, sometimes even freak out. Dishes make me dizzy, sweeping makes me sleepy, and just general cleaning makes my heart race.

I was doing laundry the other day, waited hours to go pick it up from the dryer. I couldn’t stand or think, my thoughts were so blurry from the pain in my chest. I didn’t know if I was dreaming or alive. I started hallucinating, the floors were swirls like a painting. I was filled with so much rage from my heart beating so fast that I tried to relax as much as I could. It only made me worry more and that made my chest pain more sore. It just feels like pressure, sometimes I feel like I have nothing inside me. Like my chest is a brick and my stomach is just mush. My back feels like broken bones, the muscles are sore and weak. I can barely push a door. Sometimes, I think I can barely live anymore.

But, then there’s a week that’s worse than the pain, and it’s just life. I think it over and everything sucks. I laugh completely cause now that I think it’s over, why don’t I just do what I want? I started cheering myself up with just doing what I like no matter if anyone was doing it with me. I drank wine and watched my favorite shows, and my favorite movie. With my favorite person. I realised life’s worth it.

Then the pain in my chest hits and I realise I don’t have a choice if I die right now or tomorrow. I realise even if I try, my body gives up. But, if tomorrow might be my last day, than today is just whatever.

Everything still points back to me doing whatever makes me happy. I cherish the people that I like, I spend time with whoever I want. I drink with the ones who make me happy. I entertain like there’s no tomorrow. Don’t ever let the fear of another day stop you from doing anything today.