July Shouldn’t Feel Like This

It felt so lonely. Very lonely this month. Every day, I wished I had everyone back that I lost, but I can’t seem to let go of it. I noticed that every time I push them away, it’s not just my fault. I see all their flaws and I escape myself from being trapped by them. They see mine and they never think twice about it. I am overwhelmed with how they can’t seem to understand that I don’t just get better. Everyone thinks that I’ll get better over time, and that the problems I cause will go away. People think they can just ignore my flaws and everything will be okay. No one works on their own flaws and try to understand I have flaws too. I know flaws don’t just disappear over time, and people seem to forget about that.

It’s not that I fall in love with flaws or the reality of our situation, but I seem to ignore them and keep wishing their problems don’t hurt. I always end up being weighed down by their misfortune as they don’t even notice it themselves. Their flaws become mine and I become scared. Why should I have to point them out and make it stop? I learn fast that it’s not what I want, but I fall in so deep with wanting to know people. I take their flaws and I try to understand them. I try to cope with them, and see if everything can work out.

When their misfortune doesn’t mix well with mine, that’s when I escape. Why force two puzzle pieces that don’t fit? Mine can change and twist, I can make it fit for anyone I want. Others never know what they want, and never work on their problems. Then, their puzzle piece will never fit mine. I accept my flaws and I admit I’m not perfect, but people need to realize they aren’t so put together as they seem. They need to change so their puzzle piece fits for who they want to be with. Instead of insisting on finding the sole piece that fits theirs without any effort at all.

I have few moments that make up a great memory. It’s a feeling I have for someone mixed with how I feel over the situation. It’s when you’re at the park with someone you really care about, versus being there with just a friend. The air feels soft and comfortable, you end up thinking “this is my favorite spot”. The scenery is majestic, or it is because you turn it into their favorite spot. You pretty much just gave away your favorite spot and turned it theirs. Either, they come back or not, it’s never yours anymore after that,

Sometimes, those people break your heart and you can’t seem to go back to your favorite spot. It used to be so beautiful but if you went, you’re scared it’ll feel like they’re there with you. The air starts the feel uncomfortable like they’re watching over you. You try your best to forget, but until the air is filled with someone new, your past still follows you. The nostalgic presence of them, all the moments.

This is why I fall in love with people, they change every scenery I indulge in. My quiet space is full of laughter. My favorite spot turns into theirs. They make every view better. They make every day happier. I seem to forget every spot that made me sad, because they walked in them. Once they aren’t in my life anymore, it’s just back to how it was. Empty spots filled with uncomfortable air. The silence causes me to just sit there and think of everyone who’s walked into this spot. Some day, it’ll be someone new, and maybe it will feel less blue again.