No, I’m just baked, but…

Open spaces make me paranoid. I couldn’t text and listen to him at the same time. Flashback to last New Years. I felt really sad because I saw the marks on my arm from a week ago. Biggest thing I regret. It just reminded me when I almost died a year and eight months ago. I overdosed on painkillers and alcohol. I never ate so I got drunk and couldn’t feel a thing. It was his birthday, but I didn’t know. I was breaking down and he got angry with me about it. It’s his birthday and I was committing suicide. I know, I did it at the worst time. I’ve been doing it on that day for 12 years since then. I never knew it was his birthday until we became friends. I was so depressed I ignored his birthday. I was about to die and I felt horrible. I just woke up and thought it was a dream, took the bus and went to college. Then, I passed out on the bus and someone shook me awake. I puked a lot at the station I got off. I just walked to the Riverside Hospital and asked for help.

I remembered he got angry at me for forgetting. He was a good reason, too. I just had to make sure I could be okay, so that he’d have the greatest birthday ever next year. I honestly don’t remember then on very well. I drank a lot of coffee, and did a lot of sleeping pills. That was a lot of pressure. I really needed a distraction if I wanted to get out of this bad habit.

You’d be glad to think I achieved it, but I just invited his friends over and somehow decorated. Spent money, lots, and my boyfriend back then didn’t care. It’s fine that everyone wants to go downtown but I really need to try and be a friend right now. Barely cared about New Years.

Worked my ass off to finish college though. Even moved in with him, now to think of how coincidental it is… I am VERY creeped out. Right now, I’d say he’s my best-friend. Only because he knows things about me, barely judges me, gives me the right advice, and is pretty damn honest with me. I’m surprised he’s still friendly with me after each fight. I still try my best with him though. Even past New years.

Suicide was tough, and I thought I did a great job that year. After thirty minutes of calculation, with a marker behind a ‘Best Health’ magazine; 35 times to be exact. I’m only 21 years old. Don’t those numbers look odd? New years, birthdays, pain and exhaustion. I always used somewhat torture to do it, therefore it never succeeds. I’d hold my breath, tie my neck, drown in the tub, but those things made me pass out or I’d have to close my eyes. Each time my eyes would close I stop. How great is that? Insane, right? I think it’s idiotic. I know exactly the right methods to succeed but I don’t use them. What am I even doing?

Most of it was not even for me or the fault of anyone. I don’t want someone to be burdened with how bad things happen to me. I especially don’t like how I get people involved. I am full of bad luck, I get everything handed to me but when it touches me, it crumbles. Suicide is complicated and I hate it. I guess, I do it for both the relief of pain, or to stop being so idiotic and insane. I do compulsive arguments because I always get frightened over them. I could not ever confront arguments, people, or situations when I was growing up.

Bad things make me angry. I can’t ever physically hurt something or someone, but I forget important details about why I should keep myself safe. How the past can’t hurt you anymore. But it does, every night and every day. Every flashback and every breakdown. Flashbacks are so fast, it’s like I blinked and I remembered absolutely everything. I suddenly feel like a horrible person, how could I forget that? When I’m sensitive after a breakdown or a ‘bad’ thing, and when others don’t trust me, I do become insane. I hate how that happens to me. I’m aware.

I just don’t want to hurt him, you know? I already did once and I could’ve really hurt myself last month, too. The same I did to another person, an even more important person in my life. I have no idea why I think this person is so important to me. I could’ve died many times in school but I always remembered him and forgot what I was crying about. They were there before someone died before them. Then, he changed. But, on another note, it wasn’t even New Years or my birthday. It was a relapse of suicide. I just sat on a ledge of a building and ruined everyone’s week.

Sometimes, I do it cause of the ‘speed’ of life, and how it catches up to you. It’s the pressure of death from memories with my family and friends, even people I don’t care about. The thought of how everyone suffers a little or too much. No one knows what’s going to happen. People have been hurt and people have been selfish. Only “one more year” and you can just as well figure it out. Will it be pain, great, or both? Death? What about wounds? Half of them heal but the rest are stuck in your head. I’ve been through hell, if you can believe it.

No one believes it. Sometimes, I feel like I’m the only one here. When I meet someone who’s been through the same as me, I start to believe they are lying too. Why would people persuade me to believe I lie? My dreams feel so real, like the past and the future combined. Now, I barely remember if I am good or bad, and I’m never sure of what I do. I’m not sure of who I am. I wake up cold with sweats. I don’t know where I am, and then I tear up a bit. I realise I’m in my apartment. I have two roommates who are the best, or the best that they can be. And I treat everyone like shit, because I don’t want them to be full of mine. I then go about my day as much as I can, and try to forget about the past. I walk, or I’ll hum, and maybe write notes like this.

I’ll always try not to kill myself. It’s really tough to figure out how, and I’ll always try to remember everyone who loves me too. Remembering everything is hard, but I could maybe write notes like this.

I’ve Been A Mess…

3 years ago, my whole life changed. It changed for the worst. A breakup triggered post-traumatic stress in my mind, and nothing has been the same since. I wouldn’t sleep for a week straight because I was just too scared to. My nightmares were so vivid and emotional that I couldn’t cope with it. All the trauma I ever had was catching up to me and causing such physical illnesses. I became weaker, and I would barely eat. Sometimes, I couldn’t even wake up and I’d miss classes. I started drinking, hard, every weekend and make the most of it. I’d work incredibly hard in school, cutting people’s hair and barely taking breaks. I started smoking so that I’d have breaks and so people would leave me be. I even took a month break at one point because, of course, all those coping mechanisms were bad for me. I ended up trying to kill myself on New Years of 2016. I stopped drinking, and I tried my best to get better but school was too big of a distraction to remember to breath.

Then, school ended and I had a boyfriend. One who ended up cheating on me through the phone, for five months. What a lazy way to cheat, sometimes I think I’d like it better if he just fucked them once and got it done with. Keeping such a secret from me for months makes me think I can’t trust anyone’s motives with me. How can you live two lives and never get caught? There’s always an ending to something, but it didn’t have to be like this.

From that moment forward, I told myself I’d be more selfish and do what I’ve always wanted to do. I became so insane in my own head, I couldn’t catch up with myself. Part of me became so selfish that I was madly confused about what I was doing. I knew I always had feelings for this one guy, but I didn’t want it to be this way. Every moment I had with him, I questioned it a million times. I felt like I was half afraid and the other part of me didn’t care enough to stop. Honestly, all the confusion and questions I had, all the arguments I started, I couldn’t even stop. It was like a part of me couldn’t stop, the fearful part of me was forcing me to ruin what I had. At the end of it, I couldn’t control my fear and I ruined it all just to run away. I tried to stop it, but the other half that didn’t care just continued with all the drama.

One 911 call later, now I’m no longer friends with my favorite person in the world. I became so insane after being cheated on, that I hurt the one I cared about the most. I cared about this person so much, as much as my family, yet I couldn’t stop myself from hurting them. Now, I know I need to focus on myself, mostly because I don’t trust myself anymore. All this started because I couldn’t trust anyone, and once you can’t trust yourself, you know you need to be alone. I stopped talking to all my friends, and I got myself a therapist. Today was my first day there, and even she thinks I’m too much to handle. By the end of summer, I might end up with two therapists. One concentrating on self-esteem and trust, and another to minimize all these PTSD symptoms. I need to realize not every day is my last. I have a full life to live. Every breakdown I have, I lose more and more memory of the present. It would suck even more if I get dementia, so I know I need to work on this as hard as I can. I need to move on from the past and realize I’m in the present.

Who Said It Was Love?

You don’t search for love because it will find its way to you. You won’t pick it out from a crowd but you’ll notice it in the room. You find yourself wanting to be with the people that make you happy. Some people don’t hurt you directly, but are bad for you. Some will cause problems later on in your life, because they are bad for you. Don’t waste time chasing people. If they end up being a bad one, it’s not worth it. If it’s a better one, what would you do? Sit there and contemplate if it’s the best one. No one can know where you’ll end up. Love finds it’s way to you, be grateful when it’s there. If it finds you, don’t sit there wishing for a better one.

I don’t believe in much, but I know I want to be happy. I try to water the things that make me smile, but sometimes I’ll weep and drown the things I care about… If I thought about you as a flower, I’d be so worried that you’d turn out dry. That our friendship would just turn to dust. Water would be attention, and I give it out too much. I give you so much attention, whenever I have free time I text you. Whenever I think about you, I let you know. I say nice things about you, and make sure you know it too. I don’t ever give up on making you smile. But, this is all me. What about you? What about the other person in the room? In no time, I’ve already filled the whole room with so much attention, you’d drown in it. I just want you to bloom, but I forget you need space too.

Everyone needs a positive, open and breathable space. Everyone needs to feel free. I know I’m in that room too. When I give out too much attention, I forget I need some positive space too. Everyone needs to bloom, and some just need their space alone. I know I always need some space all to myself. I can’t ever be with someone and not feel like I’m drowning in my own insecurities. I push people away instead of just taking my own space.

Honestly, I don’t know what love is or what it feels like. I know people care for me and I’ll care just as much. I don’t believe in it but I do believe in just being happy. I won’t drown this time around, I’ll keep trying to remember to breathe. To give myself some space. I need to be a little more patient.