I Can Almost See The Light

Someday, I’ll have soft skin. I’ve been saying this since the age of 12. Maybe one day, I won’t hurt myself long enough to be able to love my skin. Every time I deal with beauty compared to everyone else, I panic. I can’t live to anyone’s expectations of me. People think too highly of me, it’s pressure to me. I feel pressured to be perfect, no matter whatever happens to me. I could be going through the toughest time of my life and I’ll still wear makeup. I’ll try to look good for myself and feel better about myself. I like feeling pretty.

I’ve also been in too much trouble for being pretty. No matter what age or time in my life, being pretty caused very harmful things to me. I lived with it all, and I still wear my makeup today like I would every day.

Someday, I’ll walk outside like I used to. I’ll wear my short shorts and my tube tops too. I’ll wear tank tops, and the cutest bikini I can find. Someday, I’ll wear dresses again and I won’t wear tights. I’ll go out wearing a red tank top dress. No one will stop me, I love my body. I love my body, and someday no one will be able to make me scared of it again. Being pretty hurts and someday I won’t let them hurt me anymore.

The scars will fade. I’ll cover them with tattoos. I’ll never let the past touch me again. I am so much stronger. No one has a chance at hurting this pretty girl again.

Self Harm Sucks

I don’t hate anything more than I hate myself after hurting my skin. In the midst, I try to pull myself back but I keep digging. I’m disgusting and imperfect, I don’t want others to touch me. Somehow, I end up being forced to pick every imperfection, even imaginary, and I keep at it for an hour. It’s always an hour. It’s always the same harm. I always end up hating myself.

When I drink, I don’t hurt myself. I get too happy and distracted. When I smoke, I don’t even think about it, but it wears off after a while. Would I rather drink or hurt myself? I don’t know. That’s a lot of money to waste.

Yet, I spend $150 on Ice Caps a month. I have 1 or 2 per day. They’re $3.75 each. I can’t stop cleaning when I clean. I can’t even keep my room clean, which makes me hurt myself. I can’t control the harm because it’s the only energy OCD has left to use. After all my routines, digging at my skin takes no time and no strength.

When I drink, I can’t keep track of things. I guess that’s why it helps. But sometimes, I’ll be drunk and clean until 4am. No pain means more energy and alcohol is good at that. It’s a loop of stopping one and then the other.

Would I rather drink or hurt myself?