I usually wake up around 9:00 am every day, but this morning I felt different. I normally get up confused and nauseous. Today, I woke up at 6:00 am and I decided that I would go for a long 1 hour walk to the nearest river. I live very close to Algonquin College, therefore all I had to do was walk down woodroffe street until I saw water. I didn’t even worry about my heart disease hurting me from walking a whole hour, and I didn’t run out of too much air. It was around 8:00 am when I left the house, there was a nice breeze and all the lavender trees smelled amazing. When I got to the edge of the Ottawa River, I saw two geese with their babies eating their morning snack.
I sat on a flat rock and hung out like it was my own little spot. The water was close to my feet and I could notice the tide moving lower from shore. The geese stuck around, nibbling the grass and weren’t bothered by me at all. I think I sat there for just an hour, I had to go to the bathroom so I headed home by bus.
Life is worth living, just look around you. You are surrounded by things that exist just for you to notice them. Open your eyes. Do more things for yourself, it’s okay to do things alone too. Your life matters even if you’re alone.
Spontaneous walk, eventful Friday nights, and even relaxing Sunday evenings are what we strive for. We work hard to have a day off. That work doesn’t just need to be your career. Work hard on yourself and take a day off, do something that benefits you. An hour walk a day can really help your mental health. Fresh air and a little bit of sun can change your perspective of everything. Honestly, while I was walking, I wasn’t even thinking about anything but the air. It smelled like trash from garbage day on one street, and intense lavender on another. I saw really nice houses, I watched all the people head off to work, and I could hear all the children playing during recess. Small things matter the most, and we need to take advantage of the things that surround us.
From this day forward, I’m going to try my best to stay a little bit more active outside. Especially since it’s summer now, it’s time to grab all that vitamin D. Being sick and stuck at home all winter really messed me up, and I can’t wait to better myself. Finding out new things can be as easy as a new workout. Don’t give up.
To all the ones who’ve made mistakes, don’t blame yourself. It’s been enough how much I’ve been hurt by other people’s lives. No matter how messed up everyone made me, I don’t blame you. I blame what you did.
I’ve never been the only one. People fall out of love, and some don’t know how to feel it. There’s millions of people around you, far and wide. Don’t you think it would be easy to forget you should only stick to one? They made me feel not good enough for anyone. I am more than good enough for anyone. If anything, I’m better than the ones who’ve hurt me.
You don’t choose what you want, your heart wants what it wants.
Don’t beat yourself up for hurting someone, because I know I’d forgive you. Everyone makes mistakes, just know someone still loves you. You can’t undo what’s been done but you can help her understand that it wasn’t her fault. Don’t let her blame herself for your mistakes.
So, if you see her again, ask for a hug. Tell her she looks good, no matter her state. She’s stronger now because of you. She’ll stumble upon someone much greater than you. Can you handle that? You have to know that she’s better than you now. She is stronger than you.
She won’t hide your mistakes, they show up like scars in her veins. Let her live happy, she can tell herself it’ll be okay. It’ll always be just okay.
Ever live with nightmares in your head? I do. Wishing the past to be forgotten. Don’t let yourself drown in terror.
You live everyday like it might be your last, but not in a fun way. You have panic attacks, things feel wrong or not going how it’s supposed to. When you yell, it’s like you’re just yelling at yourself. You compulsively do things you shouldn’t just because it’s always been this way. You can’t stop over exageratting situations, or being offended by any situation.
Every day, you’re awake for 10 hours. How many hours do you spend wasting time, yet you’re scared it’s going by too fast? At night, you just want to end it because every day you’re both wasting time and rushing your thoughts on how time is wasting you. You’ve realised it’s been days, or weeks, that you’ve been in this state. Dazed and confused. Uncomfortable and depressed.
The days are like fog to you, and the nights are too clear for your head.
You’re not alone. You are just like me. We both don’t like being insane but it’s taken control. We can do this. Someday, there’s going to be an opportunity we can’t take down. An opportunity to be a better person, for ourselves. Don’t give up just because you don’t have the answer quite yet. You’re stronger than you think, you need to use that strength and power to bring yourself up. Be the best you can be, no matter where you are in life. You don’t need to be happy, and you don’t need to make any decisions. You need to tell yourself that you’re human, and that someday it’ll get better. It doesn’t have to be tomorrow, but someday you’ll know.
Stay strong and know that you’re not alone. Don’t be scared.